The excerpt looks OK. I'd have to know more of the story really, as it's hard to judge anything on a couple of paragraphs with no context.

I redraft things over and over too. Even after I picked up my 20 year old manuscript for Pestilence, it took me another 10 years, and numerous redrafts, to be happy with it. And in the end, I think I may have been swayed by some bad advice to turn too much narrative into dialogue, when it was probably fine before.

It's all very subjective, and everyone's an expert and no one's an expert. You've done well. Keep at it.